Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
Don't judge me, Sir. You wouldn't know I was texting and driving if your eyes were on the road. Like they're supposed to be.
What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won't have to talk to them.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
That awkward moment when someone else on your friends list uses status stalker and steals all the good status's before you have the chance to.
What's worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
Did Willow and Jaden Smith write that Matthew McConaughey Lincoln car commercial?
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH
12 hours into this marathon Netflix stopped asking me if I wanted to continue playing and just quietly asked, "You okay?"
I'm happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat tacos.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me.
The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"?
That's how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
We're all gonna die. How are you gonna live?
So a murderer, cocaine addict, and a few annoying guys walk into a bar...and espn hires them and they talk about domestic violence.
I'll fuck a stranger but I won't even use a loved one's toothbrush.
I want to be loved like white guys love khaki shorts
Best of luck explaining why you're still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn't.
As grandma used to say, "stop being a whiny little bitch and eat the fucking gluten".
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