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Posted 2014-04-25T05:03:01+02:00
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch

-1(0)
Posted 2014-04-25T05:00:46+02:00
[Batman villain naming meeting] Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles. "The Riddler?" GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

-1(0)
Posted 2014-04-25T04:53:46+02:00
Anyone want to have angry sex to 90s slow jams?

-1(0)
Comment by Anonymous

Depends. R u a dude or a chick?

Posted 2014-04-25T04:52:20+02:00
My battery died so I spent so time with the family today. They seem like nice people.

-1(0)
Posted 2014-04-25T04:43:43+02:00
Fuck You autocorrect. I'm tired of your bullshit. Turning you off. Cee I dount kneed yu inh mai laif tu wright mai tughits. Vitch!!

Win(1)
Posted 2014-04-25T04:42:47+02:00
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.

-1(0)
Posted 2014-04-25T04:42:37+02:00
I'm a pretty nice guy once you get away from me.

-1(0)
Posted 2014-04-25T04:42:22+02:00
Life was simpler when Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen were fat.

-1(0)
Posted 2014-04-25T04:35:45+02:00
Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious.

-1(0)
Posted 2014-04-25T04:32:46+02:00
Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of letting your balloon go

Epic(1)
Posted 2014-04-25T01:51:23+02:00
Sorry I farted at your wedding. Sorry the fart was so powerful that I launched off my chair & landed in the cake

Fail(6)
Posted 2014-04-25T01:48:39+02:00
The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes

-1(0)
Posted 2014-04-23T04:38:50+02:00
I love you like Kanye loves Kanye.

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

Your mom's anus loves Kanye.

Posted 2014-04-23T04:30:07+02:00
Not to brag, but I'm pretty good in bed. I don't snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.

Funny(8)
Comment by Anonymous

Just like my cat...

Posted 2014-04-23T04:29:24+02:00
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherfuckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.

Epic(3)
Comment by Anonymous

Who needs to see? Just use the force... duh

Comment by Anonymous

V The only thing that's been established is your an ignorant bigot. I would get into a battle of wits and intelligence with you but you've clearly shown your unarmed.

Comment by Anonymous

First of all, Stevie is blind, so why would anyone give him a lightsaber? That's extremely dangerous. Secondly, Stevie is black, so he'd probably kill a few people... I could keep going, but I think we've established that this joke just doesn't work.

Comment by Anonymous

It's not being over analytical if the stupid joke doesn't make sense.

Comment by Anonymous

V it's funny how the dumb one are the over thinkers LOL..

Comment by Anonymous

V I agree..... just enjoy the joke.....Stop over thinking it!!!

Comment by Anonymous

Don't you just hate it when people mess up a joke by being too analytical...........

Comment by Anonymous

I'm assuming Stevie Wonder wouldn't swing at all, considering he wouldn't even know anyone was throwing something at him

Posted 2014-04-23T04:24:40+02:00
Wanna be my girlfrien? I didn't put in the D. You'll get that later.

Funny(5)
Comment by Anonymous

In your case it'll be more like "d"

Posted 2014-04-23T04:24:12+02:00
Hey there lady at Wal-Mart, you either need shorter titties or a longer shirt.

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

Those are the only tits you've seen besides your mother's.

Posted 2014-04-23T04:23:39+02:00
Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

Save some time and use your pee pee as a defibrillator.

Posted 2014-04-23T04:22:16+02:00
So if you're blind and on the toilet do you wipe until the dog barks or how does that work?

Fail(4)
Comment by Anonymous

Jim Jeffries said it better.

Posted 2014-04-23T04:20:45+02:00
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don't even like.

Win(2)
Comment by Anonymous

Can fags be emo too?


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