Posted 2016-01-10T17:42:31-07:00
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.

Comment by Anonymous

let me take over

Comment by Anonymous

We apologize. The admin of this site has passed away.

Comment by Anonymous

This site sucks asshole now

Comment by Anonymous

ok 13 days! time for new shit so i can seem funny and witty

Posted 2016-01-10T17:33:09-07:00
Why be a star when you could be a galaxy.

Get a Life(3)
Posted 2016-01-10T17:31:49-07:00
I'm having the opposite of sex with the opposite sex.

Get a Life(3)
Posted 2016-01-10T17:31:27-07:00
I don't just flirt with disaster. I give it an orgasm.

Posted 2016-01-10T17:30:30-07:00
A thread of hope can hold the weight of the world.

Get a Life(2)
Comment by Anonymous

What the fuck is this horse shit?

Posted 2016-01-10T17:25:46-07:00
Don't think twice when you only live once.

Posted 2016-01-10T17:25:03-07:00
She said "I have long hair" but all I heard was "blowjob steering wheel".

Get a Life(5)
Posted 2016-01-10T17:24:28-07:00
The heart is a terrible GPS.

Get a Life(3)
Posted 2016-01-10T17:20:21-07:00
My favorite beer is the next one.

Posted 2016-01-10T17:20:04-07:00
People in your life may appear closer than they are.

Get a Life(3)
Posted 2016-01-10T17:16:00-07:00
If you're not eating pussy with the enthusiasm that Pooh Bear has when he face fucks a jar of honey, give it up

Comment by Anonymous

I am Anonymous

Comment by Anonymous

I am Anonymous

Posted 2016-01-10T17:15:41-07:00
Considering we've produced Miley Cyrus and Kanye West, I'm more surprised other countries haven't built a wall around the U.S.

Posted 2016-01-10T17:15:28-07:00
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I'm really fun to talk to.

Posted 2016-01-10T17:15:18-07:00
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they'd have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.

Comment by Anonymous

There actually was a zebra and donkey that mated and they called the baby a zedonk (zee donk)

Comment by Anonymous

Yeah, because Debra was already taken.

Comment by Anonymous

Fun Fact: Donkeys and zebras actually can mate and their offspring is actually called a zonkey

Posted 2016-01-10T17:12:15-07:00
So apparently RSVP'ing back to a wedding invite 'maybe next time' isn't the correct response

Posted 2016-01-10T17:09:07-07:00
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2016-01-10T17:07:27-07:00
Stalker level: I'm stealing your wifi to post this.

Posted 2016-01-10T17:05:32-07:00
Inventing a fun metal detector. Instead of buzzing, it's going to say "dude, that's so metal."

Get a Life(2)
Posted 2016-01-10T17:03:53-07:00
I get my hair cut twice a week. Mostly because I love capes.

Posted 2016-01-10T17:03:09-07:00
If I was ever on Family Feud, I'd guess "your butthole" just so I could hear the host yell "SHOW ME YOUR BUTTHOLE!"


Total Number of Statuses:27140

Status Stalker Login

Want to post a funny status? Well login isn't required but if you register and login you will have access to all the extra features status stalker has to offer.

Forgot Password?

Stalker Map

Facebook Addict Intervention Parody