Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Anyone want to have angry sex to 90s slow jams?
My battery died so I spent so time with the family today.
They seem like nice people.
Fuck You autocorrect. I'm tired of your bullshit. Turning you off.
Cee I dount kneed yu inh mai laif tu wright mai tughits. Vitch!!
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
I'm a pretty nice guy once you get away from me.
Life was simpler when Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen were fat.
Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious.
Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of letting your balloon go
Sorry I farted at your wedding. Sorry the fart was so powerful that I launched off my chair & landed in the cake
The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
I love you like Kanye loves Kanye.
Not to brag, but I'm pretty good in bed. I don't snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherfuckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
Wanna be my girlfrien?
I didn't put in the D.
You'll get that later.
Hey there lady at Wal-Mart, you either need shorter titties or a longer shirt.
Me: This chicken is undercooked.
Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking.
Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.
So if you're blind and on the toilet do you wipe until the dog barks or how does that work?
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don't even like.
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