Posted 2014-12-18T01:51:25+01:00
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer but you can't take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?

Posted 2014-12-18T00:19:07+01:00
"Your can torture and kill your own people, BUT YOU CANNOT DENY US A FRANCO/ROGEN MOVIE!!!!!" - America, according to my news feed.

Posted 2014-12-18T00:16:41+01:00
Meanwhile everyone in North Korea is like "what is a movie"

Posted 2014-12-18T00:14:41+01:00
How much whiskey goes into cookies? I'm new to this whole baking thing.

Posted 2014-12-17T08:46:09+01:00
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

Posted 2014-12-17T03:13:53+01:00
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

Posted 2014-12-17T03:09:11+01:00
BUMPER STICKER IDEA: I had sex with my wife and all I got was this honor student.

Posted 2014-12-17T03:06:44+01:00
Cop: Are you high right now? Me: Well I was until you showed up, Buzzkill Mc.Flashlight.

Posted 2014-12-17T03:04:04+01:00
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.

Posted 2014-12-15T05:50:17+01:00
That horrible feeling you get when you're not asleep anymore.

Comment by Anonymous

As if that would ever happen.

Comment by Anonymous

Would it really kill you people to write complete sentences and stop all these moronic fragments? SUBJECT VERB OBJECT. It's not that difficult.

Posted 2014-12-15T05:44:35+01:00
The older I get, the more I understand someone's desire to just say-"Fuck it. I'm going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."

Posted 2014-12-15T05:35:27+01:00
Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I'll let you know

Posted 2014-12-15T05:26:58+01:00
I don't like who I am when I see a wasp.

Posted 2014-12-15T05:24:11+01:00
Psychopaths and Eskimos are the only groups of people who can comfortably sleep with socks on.

Posted 2014-12-15T05:22:54+01:00
If cheese made you drunk, I wouldn't be able to walk right now.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-12-15T05:21:23+01:00
If you didn't want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn't have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.

Posted 2014-12-15T05:20:54+01:00
This would look great on you. *points at self

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-12-15T05:19:14+01:00
The heart wants what the liquor store has.

Get a Life(2)
Posted 2014-12-15T05:18:56+01:00
Love is just a bunch of feelings put into four letters.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-12-15T05:18:03+01:00
This patience thing takes forever.


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