Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
My ego: "impossible", my experience: "risky", my reason: "pointless", my heart: "maybe", my penis "go for it" This happens every time I see a pretty girl.
Sorry, I can't delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they're leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
Accidentally downloaded the clean version of a song and now my day is ruined.
Hispanic magician: "I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos" *poof*
And just like that he vanished without a tres
My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I'm probably oblivious to 98% of what you're able to accomplish
Atheists are all, like, "This could be us, but you prayin'"
Sometimes, I don't know how I'm going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven't ever spoken.
Before the Internet, guys would paint pics of their junk onto a rock and hurl it at random girls.
Unless you're paying me or in the middle of fucking me, you do not get to tell me what to do.
To avoid public humiliation, remember the "one pair of skinny jeans per couple" rule.
Please don't ruin your friend's life by getting married and living happily ever after.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I'm never gonna get chicks being a "homeless romantic".
Good things come to those who wait, 2-5 business days.
Whenever my phone rings I'm like "omg! Why is this happening to me!"
Don't worry about the grass on the other side. It's not your grass.
When a woman makes eye contact with me across the bar and likes me, I wish a sax would start playing like in the movies to alert me to this.
My mixtape comes with a pair of oven mitts, just so you can handle it.
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