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Posted 2015-07-31T06:29:39+02:00
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you. They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T06:27:48+02:00
Police ordered me to get out of my car 'You're staggering' said the officer .'you're not a bad looking fucker yourself' I replied

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T06:20:15+02:00
My favorite competitive sport is never texting first.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T06:17:22+02:00
The idea of meeting someone on a dating website is more terrifying to me than dying alone.

Epic(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T06:06:14+02:00
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.

Epic(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T06:05:36+02:00
Haters gonna hate, your honor

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:59:40+02:00
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:47:06+02:00
I'm so Canadian I say 'thanks' to automatic flush toilets

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:45:25+02:00
I wish life were like The Walking Dead. No boss, no shit job, no bills, being outdoors, living off the land, stabbing zombies.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:43:34+02:00
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:41:02+02:00
The guy who spelled 'Wednesday' like that sure pulled off some shit.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:33:42+02:00
When you're happy you enjoy music, when you're sad you understand the lyrics

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:21:55+02:00
After I masturbate, I like sitting on my hand for a while so it feels like someone else makes me a sandwich.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:21:00+02:00
My parents were mimes. The "sex talk" was really awkward.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:17:40+02:00
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it's what it's.

Epic(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:16:58+02:00
First time I ever saw "fuck me eyes" was in Lion King when Simba pins Nala during Can You Feel The Love Tonight

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-31T05:14:14+02:00
Be the change you want to find behind your couch.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-29T02:05:18+02:00
Teenagers these days don't know what true happiness is. That first time you log into Napster after a jump from the 28.8 to the 56k is a good starting point for the basis of my argument.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-07-27T05:14:10+02:00
I just found $60 in my pocket. The kid in me says "buy nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says, "buy beer, nerf guns, and candy".

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-07-27T05:10:42+02:00
Traded in my FitBit for a LifeAlert.

Funny(1)

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