Share

Posted 2015-03-30T06:53:15+02:00
It's funny how "You're so funny" turns into "You think everything's a fucking joke" in just 3 months...

-1(0)
Posted 2015-03-30T06:52:58+02:00
I'm terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.

-1(0)
Posted 2015-03-30T06:52:13+02:00
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.

-1(0)
Posted 2015-03-30T06:40:44+02:00
Horoscopes: When you don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system

-1(0)
Posted 2015-03-30T06:37:07+02:00
If a guy's "junk" is his genitals, and a "trunk" is an ass, then isn't "junk in the trunk" getting fucked in the ass? Slang is confusing.

-1(0)
Posted 2015-03-30T06:24:12+02:00
Know why girls cross their arms when they're angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who's in charge around here.

-1(0)
Posted 2015-03-30T06:14:39+02:00
Hey babe, are you a movie sequel? Cause you're probably disappointing & I'll tell my friends I'm not gonna see you but I still will secretly

-1(0)
Posted 2015-03-29T03:24:15+02:00
Don't half ass anything. Fuck it up all the way.

-1(0)
Comment by Anonymous

If you can't fix it, fuck it up so nobody else can.

Posted 2015-03-29T00:38:20+01:00
Life is like a box of chocolates; an emotional chick can destroy one in under 5 minutes.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-03-29T00:37:31+01:00
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-03-29T00:35:58+01:00
I wonder how many babies were born because of Fireball shots.

Funny(1)
Posted 2015-03-29T00:35:01+01:00
What if I told you I could literally cut your phone bill in HALF with an exciting new product called scissors

Fail(1)
Posted 2015-03-29T00:33:58+01:00
Obama told me I can't wheel my gatling gun into Panera Bread. He's destroying what was once a great country

Epic(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Lol, you can always tell when you hit a nerve... pull the stick out and laugh a little, Lord knows we are at you.

Comment by Anonymous

Typical asshat making a straw man argument like his asshat hero does all the time.

Posted 2015-03-28T05:36:27+01:00
Don't put your implications, based on your misinterpretations, of my thoughts, changing what I said, and what I meant, to what you inferred.

-1(0)
Comment by Anonymous

Nobody puts Sam Jackson in a corner.

Comment by Anonymous

v v v Go stand in the corner.

Comment by Anonymous

Remember when you make an assumption you make and ass out of you and umption.

Comment by Anonymous

Assuming this was clear and 100% ? Maybe some people should stop getting things twisted !

Comment by Anonymous

Sorry you got so butt hurt. Maybe you should be more clear when you express your thoughts.

Posted 2015-03-28T05:34:36+01:00
Be stronger than your excuses.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-03-28T05:33:58+01:00
Pour some gluten on me.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-03-26T02:41:34+01:00
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-03-25T22:16:51+01:00
If you didn't want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn't have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.

Epic(1)
Posted 2015-03-25T22:14:42+01:00
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Sounds like your life isn't as gay as you would've hoped.

Posted 2015-03-25T22:13:15+01:00
Are you tired of not getting insulted before you fully open your eyes and brush your teeth, introducing - The Internet!

Funny(2)

Total Number of Statuses:26312

Status Stalker Login

Want to post a funny status? Well login isn't required but if you register and login you will have access to all the extra features status stalker has to offer.

Username:
Password:
Forgot Password?

Stalker Map

Facebook Addict Intervention Parody