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Posted 2015-05-27T21:37:50+02:00
My ego: "impossible", my experience: "risky", my reason: "pointless", my heart: "maybe", my penis "go for it" This happens every time I see a pretty girl.

Epic(2)
Comment by Anonymous

When you doubt your powers, you give power to your doubts

Comment by Anonymous

Stop being a pussy. Stop worrying abt the result. Just go and talk to her. Rejection will NEVER hurt for as long as regret.

Comment by Anonymous

Better just stick to the guys.

Posted 2015-05-27T08:43:45+02:00
Sorry, I can't delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one.

Epic(1)
Comment by Anonymous

I love assholes like you who pretend that anyone wants to talk to them. Newsflash: no one is calling you.

Posted 2015-05-26T08:01:36+02:00
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they're leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.

Epic(2)
Comment by Anonymous

coworker is one word because co is not a word it's an element

Comment by Anonymous

Stop being such a self important whiny bitch and maybe they will actually talk to you instead of trying to make you fat.

Posted 2015-05-26T07:53:14+02:00
Accidentally downloaded the clean version of a song and now my day is ruined.

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

it WAS Taylor! gosh your so good OMG!!

Comment by Anonymous

Taylor Swift can do that.

Posted 2015-05-26T07:48:02+02:00
Hispanic magician: "I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos" *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

For his next trick he made the welfare money disappear.

Comment by Anonymous

Why did the Hispanic magician cross the road? Because it was the border.

Comment by Anonymous

V Ok just for you. Hispanic magician: "I will disappear on the count of three. Ready? Uno, dos" *poof* And just like that he vanished without a tres

Posted 2015-05-26T07:45:39+02:00
My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

1998 wants their post back.

Comment by Anonymous

Hoes don't know math!

Posted 2015-05-26T07:43:23+02:00
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I'm probably oblivious to 98% of what you're able to accomplish

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Go stand in the corner.

Comment by Anonymous

I think you could call the whole world Excel to you.

Posted 2015-05-26T07:32:31+02:00
Atheists are all, like, "This could be us, but you prayin'"

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-05-26T07:30:42+02:00
Sometimes, I don't know how I'm going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

So many people I could use that comment on!

Comment by Anonymous

I am looking forward to your upcoming debut on Intervention.

Posted 2015-05-26T07:25:21+02:00
Like a good neighbor State Farm and I haven't ever spoken.

Funny(4)
Posted 2015-05-26T07:23:28+02:00
Before the Internet, guys would paint pics of their junk onto a rock and hurl it at random girls.

Epic(1)
Posted 2015-05-25T23:22:24+02:00
Unless you're paying me or in the middle of fucking me, you do not get to tell me what to do.

Fail(1)
Posted 2015-05-25T23:09:37+02:00
To avoid public humiliation, remember the "one pair of skinny jeans per couple" rule.

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Just like we make fun of the people who use "bro" when they talk.

Comment by Anonymous

You have the right to wear skinny jeans bro, but we have the right to make fun of you.

Comment by Anonymous

I love people telling me how to look and dress

Comment by Anonymous

You 2 guys should just take turns so neither queen will have to feel left out.

Posted 2015-05-25T23:08:38+02:00
Please don't ruin your friend's life by getting married and living happily ever after.

Win(1)
Comment by Anonymous

That douche ruined his own life all by himself.

Posted 2015-05-25T23:08:27+02:00
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I'm never gonna get chicks being a "homeless romantic".

Win(2)
Posted 2015-05-25T23:07:42+02:00
Good things come to those who wait, 2-5 business days.

Funny(2)
Posted 2015-05-25T23:04:41+02:00
Whenever my phone rings I'm like "omg! Why is this happening to me!"

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-05-25T22:58:35+02:00
Don't worry about the grass on the other side. It's not your grass.

Epic(3)
Posted 2015-05-24T15:24:55+02:00
When a woman makes eye contact with me across the bar and likes me, I wish a sax would start playing like in the movies to alert me to this.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-05-24T15:24:14+02:00
My mixtape comes with a pair of oven mitts, just so you can handle it.

Epic(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Go stand in the corner.


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