Posted 2014-04-25T05:03:01+02:00
From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch

Posted 2014-04-25T05:00:46+02:00
[Batman villain naming meeting] Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles. "The Riddler?" GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

Posted 2014-04-25T04:53:46+02:00
Anyone want to have angry sex to 90s slow jams?

Comment by Anonymous

Depends. R u a dude or a chick?

Posted 2014-04-25T04:52:20+02:00
My battery died so I spent so time with the family today. They seem like nice people.

Posted 2014-04-25T04:43:43+02:00
Fuck You autocorrect. I'm tired of your bullshit. Turning you off. Cee I dount kneed yu inh mai laif tu wright mai tughits. Vitch!!

Posted 2014-04-25T04:42:47+02:00
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.

Posted 2014-04-25T04:42:37+02:00
I'm a pretty nice guy once you get away from me.

Posted 2014-04-25T04:42:22+02:00
Life was simpler when Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen were fat.

Posted 2014-04-25T04:35:45+02:00
Be careful who you open up to. Only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious.

Posted 2014-04-25T04:32:46+02:00
Spilling your drink is the adult equivalent of letting your balloon go

Posted 2014-04-25T01:51:23+02:00
Sorry I farted at your wedding. Sorry the fart was so powerful that I launched off my chair & landed in the cake

Posted 2014-04-25T01:48:39+02:00
The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes

Posted 2014-04-23T04:38:50+02:00
I love you like Kanye loves Kanye.

Comment by Anonymous

Your mom's anus loves Kanye.

Posted 2014-04-23T04:30:07+02:00
Not to brag, but I'm pretty good in bed. I don't snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.

Comment by Anonymous

Just like my cat...

Posted 2014-04-23T04:29:24+02:00
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherfuckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.

Comment by Anonymous

Who needs to see? Just use the force... duh

Comment by Anonymous

V The only thing that's been established is your an ignorant bigot. I would get into a battle of wits and intelligence with you but you've clearly shown your unarmed.

Comment by Anonymous

First of all, Stevie is blind, so why would anyone give him a lightsaber? That's extremely dangerous. Secondly, Stevie is black, so he'd probably kill a few people... I could keep going, but I think we've established that this joke just doesn't work.

Comment by Anonymous

It's not being over analytical if the stupid joke doesn't make sense.

Comment by Anonymous

V it's funny how the dumb one are the over thinkers LOL..

Comment by Anonymous

V I agree..... just enjoy the joke.....Stop over thinking it!!!

Comment by Anonymous

Don't you just hate it when people mess up a joke by being too analytical...........

Comment by Anonymous

I'm assuming Stevie Wonder wouldn't swing at all, considering he wouldn't even know anyone was throwing something at him

Posted 2014-04-23T04:24:40+02:00
Wanna be my girlfrien? I didn't put in the D. You'll get that later.

Comment by Anonymous

In your case it'll be more like "d"

Posted 2014-04-23T04:24:12+02:00
Hey there lady at Wal-Mart, you either need shorter titties or a longer shirt.

Comment by Anonymous

Those are the only tits you've seen besides your mother's.

Posted 2014-04-23T04:23:39+02:00
Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.

Comment by Anonymous

Save some time and use your pee pee as a defibrillator.

Posted 2014-04-23T04:22:16+02:00
So if you're blind and on the toilet do you wipe until the dog barks or how does that work?

Comment by Anonymous

Jim Jeffries said it better.

Posted 2014-04-23T04:20:45+02:00
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don't even like.

Comment by Anonymous

Can fags be emo too?

Total Number of Statuses:23827

Status Stalker Login

Want to post a funny status? Well login isn't required but if you register and login you will have access to all the extra features status stalker has to offer.

Forgot Password?

Stalker Map

Facebook Addict Intervention Parody