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Posted 2014-07-28T21:49:42+02:00
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.

-1(0)
Posted 2014-07-28T21:47:17+02:00
"You know what I think they should do in Gaza?" tweeted the man half a world away from the safety and comfort of his reclining chair.

-1(0)
Comment by Anonymous

You think he used proper grammar when he posted his tweet or do you think he's a fuckin' retard like you?

Posted 2014-07-28T21:46:47+02:00
I Don't Wanna: The Beginner's Guide to Mondays

-1(0)
Comment by Anonymous

Page Two: "Strangle self with dad's old necktie."

Posted 2014-07-28T21:45:13+02:00
When my grandchildren ask what I did to save the world, I'll be like, "I saved a b every time I spelled babe as bae, you ungrateful fuck."

-1(0)
Comment by Anonymous

You'd have to find someone to fuck you before you can have grandchildren... then there's the whole finding someone to fuck your stupid child/children too... good luck, dumb ass.

Posted 2014-07-28T21:40:49+02:00
Hell is an enormous mall with no stores and infinite kiosks.

-1(0)
Comment by Anonymous

Hell is Rosie O'Donnell's cunt.

Posted 2014-07-28T21:40:12+02:00
Get a load of this jerkoff driving slower in the rain. Way to substantially reduce the risk of hydroplaning, you fucking idiot!

-1(0)
Comment by Anonymous

Your mom got a load of my jerkoff...

Posted 2014-07-28T21:36:13+02:00
Left a box of parrots next to the police station and now they're all under arrest for impersonating officers. My work here is done.

-1(0)
Comment by Anonymous

Yeah right, you shoved them in your ass, faggot.

Posted 2014-07-28T21:35:55+02:00
To Do: Figure out how to get paid to travel the world and eat.

-1(0)
Comment by Anonymous

Answer: Be fat and stupid.

Posted 2014-07-28T01:35:48+02:00
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

-1(0)
Comment by Anonymous

Since when do bank statements show you blowing your dog?

Posted 2014-07-28T01:05:33+02:00
Forget about my browser history and iPod playlists. When I die, please don't let anyone see what Netflix is suggesting I watch next.

-1(0)
Comment by Anonymous

You don't have any friends, so there is no need to worry about this anyway.

Posted 2014-07-28T00:48:36+02:00
My internet goes out more than I do

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

It was a little bit funnier on the five other sites I saw it on.

Comment by Anonymous

FUNNYSTATUS.COM?? FUCKER

Comment by Anonymous

That's because you're a faggot with no life.

Comment by Anonymous

And it is way more interesting than you too. Kill yourself.

Posted 2014-07-25T05:06:31+02:00
Text like nobody's screenshotting.

Get a Life(2)
Comment by Anonymous

Text like your mom isn't a whore.

Posted 2014-07-25T05:04:32+02:00
How to Train Your Dragon offers no practical dragon training information. NONE. Zero stars.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-07-25T05:02:37+02:00
Dance like you won't be turned into a gif.

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

How about I dance like I just blasted your slut mom in the ass?

Posted 2014-07-25T05:01:57+02:00
Two worst things you can do to someone: #2) murder them #1) watch a show you're supposed to watch together without them

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Well duh, how would they watch the show after you murdered them?

Posted 2014-07-25T05:01:39+02:00
Looking for a roommate to split rent. Ideally someone who's not home much. Or at all. Or lives somewhere else & just gives me $1,000/month.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Fuckin' liberal.

Comment by Anonymous

Just become a web whore already.

Posted 2014-07-25T05:01:02+02:00
Sick and tired of not being carried everywhere by 4 very strong men each holding up a corner of my bed with one hand.

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

And you're not a princess like you were led to believe. So, get out your knee pads and start sucking dick for the things you want, lazy bitch.

Comment by Anonymous

If only you were not so fat and ugly....

Posted 2014-07-25T05:00:34+02:00
"I don't stress about things I have no control over." You mean like your face?

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Holy shit you're fucking stupid.

Comment by Anonymous

No such thing as stress. Stop being a whiny cunt.

Posted 2014-07-25T04:58:07+02:00
If my ever girl proposed to me, I'd just kneel down with her and pretend that were praying.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

While you're down there, try reading a book on English grammar and punctuation!!

Comment by Anonymous

Really who would want a loser like you?

Posted 2014-07-25T04:56:53+02:00
If you're rooting for the President to fail no matter how much it harms the country or the economy, please stop calling yourself a 'patriot'

Fail(6)
Comment by Anonymous

I am a true patriot. I'm rooting for the president to fail, so that he will stop destroying our once-great country.

Comment by Anonymous

vvv Still blaming Bush? Geez... fuckin' idiot liberals. You're all stupid.

Comment by Anonymous

V *you're* obviously an idiot. (Ironic, huh?)... ("Ironic" means happening in the opposite way to what is expected, and typically causing wry amusement because of this.)

Comment by Anonymous

Your obviously an idiot. He's an abject failure. No need to cheer for it he's got it covered

Comment by Anonymous

Politics isn't a sport. Just because they lost the election doesn't mean you should hope the guy that got the job fails. You would rather see this country burn, then support a man who is trying his best with what those idiots left him. You people are the real terrorists.

Comment by Anonymous

If your ignoring the fact that he is failing at so many things at once and you think the people on the right are the problem, please stop calling yourself an American. Stop blaming others for the abject failure your precious little community organizer is.

Comment by Anonymous

Dumbass Obama doesn't need anybody rooting for him to fail. He's got that figured out on his own.

Comment by Anonymous

if you're pulling on your pecker no matter how much it hurts, don't call yourself a man.


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