Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life's mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
It's not called "Laura the Explorer" because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
A credit score but based on how you treat people.
Everything I know about Californian geography I learned from Tupac's songs
Very excited to announce I'm on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
Take viagra for a sunburn. It won't cure it but it will keep the sheets off of your legs at night.
Being a male is a matter of birth, being a man is a matter of age, but being a gentleman is a matter of choice.
Don't just tell her she is beautiful, make her believe it. Then slap her ass and tell her to keep up the good fucking work.
Don't judge me, Sir. You wouldn't know I was texting and driving if your eyes were on the road. Like they're supposed to be.
What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won't have to talk to them.
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?
That awkward moment when someone else on your friends list uses status stalker and steals all the good status's before you have the chance to.
What's worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
Did Willow and Jaden Smith write that Matthew McConaughey Lincoln car commercial?
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH
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