I just want someone to look at me the way I'm looking at this drive thru menu.
I party like a Rockstar.
A very poor Rockstar who isn't in a band anymore.
"Hey! Aren't you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
I'm so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
It sounds fun, Autocorrect, but I am enjoying beers with Jess, not Jesus.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looks on Instagram.
Every time I believe I've solved an inward riddle, outward riddles begin to challenge my answers.
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it'll just be my turn.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "fuck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman's hat on it is not the button for a free fireman's hat.
I like my panties like I like my idiots at the McDonalds cash register who don't know what they want to order: pushed to the side.
Posted by Stewie71 2014-04-22T11:29:17+02:00
Don't be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn't change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.
What insensitive jerk called it a "lisp" and not a "lithp"?
The older I get the more I notice people I enjoy being around and people I'm sexually attracted to are never the same person.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
I'm at work for another hour and my phone's at 14%. If I don't make it to the end of the day, tell all my friends, "Not much u"
Aaaaaaaall of me loves Aaaaaaaall this food
Total Number of Statuses:23815
Facebook Addict Intervention Parody