Posted 2014-04-23T03:52:08+02:00
I just want someone to look at me the way I'm looking at this drive thru menu.

Posted 2014-04-23T03:51:21+02:00
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn't in a band anymore.

Posted 2014-04-23T03:45:46+02:00
"Hey! Aren't you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over

Posted 2014-04-23T03:45:23+02:00
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

Posted 2014-04-23T02:01:46+02:00
I'm so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.

Posted 2014-04-23T01:57:41+02:00
It sounds fun, Autocorrect, but I am enjoying beers with Jess, not Jesus.

Posted 2014-04-23T01:56:37+02:00
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.

Posted 2014-04-23T01:54:24+02:00
WOW! This gym thing is a lot harder than it looks on Instagram.

Posted 2014-04-23T01:53:49+02:00
Every time I believe I've solved an inward riddle, outward riddles begin to challenge my answers.

Posted 2014-04-23T01:49:30+02:00
Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.

Posted 2014-04-23T01:40:17+02:00
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it'll just be my turn.

Posted 2014-04-23T01:38:09+02:00
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "fuck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.

Posted 2014-04-23T01:37:16+02:00
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman's hat on it is not the button for a free fireman's hat.

Posted 2014-04-23T01:36:43+02:00
I like my panties like I like my idiots at the McDonalds cash register who don't know what they want to order: pushed to the side.

Posted by Stewie71 2014-04-22T11:29:17+02:00
Don't be scared of making changes. Be scared of living the same shitty life because you didn't change. And spiders. Be scared of them too.

Posted 2014-04-22T02:57:41+02:00
What insensitive jerk called it a "lisp" and not a "lithp"?

Posted 2014-04-22T02:55:31+02:00
The older I get the more I notice people I enjoy being around and people I'm sexually attracted to are never the same person.

Comment by Anonymous

Just come out of the closet already

Posted 2014-04-22T02:54:09+02:00
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.

Posted 2014-04-22T02:50:13+02:00
I'm at work for another hour and my phone's at 14%. If I don't make it to the end of the day, tell all my friends, "Not much u"

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-04-22T02:49:38+02:00
Aaaaaaaall of me loves Aaaaaaaall this food

Get a Life(3)

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