Son have I told you about the birds & the bees?
Dad you're an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it's literally all you guys talk about
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
What's the level of crazy above a straitjacket?
My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.
Attn: men sending penis photos: knock it off! By flooding the market w dong photos your devaluing the product, causing penis deflation.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
I don't get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Let's drink till this day makes some sort of sense.
Arguing with a troll online is like trying to teach a goat to drive. No one's happy & your car is ruined & it's still a goat.
Everyone has fitness goals and I'm over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
I'm starting to think we as a society may be trying to do too much with the Dorito.
I'm not wearing any underwear, because you never put the fucking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they've been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what's really going on
I tried being modest once, as expected I was fucking amazing at it.
DO YOU EVEN SHIFT BRO?
Siri, where do babies come from?
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
Super Mario Bros before hoes.
I'm confident but not old dude in the gym changing room confident.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Total Number of Statuses:25335
Facebook Addict Intervention Parody