People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Don't push me away and then say we drifted apart.
I've been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We'll all be dead soon anyway.
Normally you're not allowed to sneak down people's chimneys but there's a Santa clause in the law
Guys just want a slutty innocent virgin and girls just want an attentive, aloof, nice, bad guy.
My favorite typo is when I leave a whole entire out.
I just gotta believe that as a species we're capable of making an automatic hand dryer that's quieter than an airplane.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I'm pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Man: You look pretty today.
Woman: Did I look bad yesterday? It was my hair wasn't it? You think I'm fat.
Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.
When life is stressful, do something to lift your spirits. Go for a drive. Go two or three thousand miles away. Maybe change your name.
I can't even begin to tell you how many times in my life to date people have told me that I use too many unnecessary words to convey an idea
What do sleeping and sex have in common?
I'm not getting nearly enough of either.
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It's still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
Dad is it true that in some African Countries that a man doesnt really know his wife until he marries her? Son that's true in every country.
What is so special about a person who wouldn't harm a fly?
Show me a person who wouldn't harm a mosquito. Then we'll talk.
My religious preference, is for you to steer clear of me with yours.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.
Total Number of Statuses:25763
Facebook Addict Intervention Parody