Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I'm about to take.
Sometimes a person is completely out of the picture but you just can't let go of the frame.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
Never trust a married guys opinion of who's hot. It's like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
My mom always says "Alcohol is your enemy!"
Jesus says, "Thou shalt love thy enemy."
When a guy texts a girl "hey stranger", what he really means is "I've recently thought about trying to get in your pants again."
The TV show Hoarders is terrible! The camera crew keeps stepping all over my stuff
Hey girl, when you finish that cigarette, how about I'm the next thing you put in your mouth, that's bad for you?
I just want to be rich enough to pay people to not talk to me.
Nice clothes. You can leave them at the door.
When you tell someone to never call you again, & then the phone rings & you hope it's them. It's the most twisted logic of all time
Ellen Degeneres tweeted a picture of actors that got 2 million retweets in one hour. This is why the world hates us.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Men do you want to know what's going on in a woman's mind?
Imagine 3,587 tabs open at the same time. All the time.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
Walking Dead. Or better known as the Running Living.
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Facebook Addict Intervention Parody