Cop: any alcohol or drugs?
Me: No I've got everything I need thanks
He DM'ed me: Your sexy as hell.
Me: No YOU'RE sexy as hell.
And now he thinks I like him. Damnit. I was just correcting his bad grammar.
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze...with a mouthful of rice.
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
Some days "solitary confinement" sounds more like paradise than like punishment.
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
"I'll see you in hell" should be followed with "and I won't even stop to say hi". Otherwise you're just making plans with someone you hate
A woman was removed from a SWA flight after she stabbed her snoring neighbor with a pen. Great, now they're gonna take away our pens.
I like the parts of the day when food happens.
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
The amount of people who mix up "to" and "too" is amazing two me.
"You really couldn't have called at a worse time." -How I want to answer every phone call
The most exciting part of first dates is when you both act like you didn't thoroughly research each other on the internet
If you want to be in an exciting car chase, just order an Uber, get in, and then on the way to your destination, order another Uber
If a potential employer asks why you lost your last job, take a breath, look them in the eye, and say you got too close to the truth
Do you struggle with rational thinking and basic literacy? Let us know in the comments below
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Facebook Addict Intervention Parody