There's no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
Donald Duck, saying fuck you to pants since 1934
I don't go on a date until at least the third sex.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it's considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it's called "cheating."
The dumbest people on earth are generally located in comment sections of websites all over the world.
No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile so remember, happy people are pussies!
Just once I want my boss to assume I'm tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
I'd be unstoppable if it wasn't for law enforcement and physics.
Porn is so misleading. There's no way that dudes with tribal tattoos have that much sex.
GTA 5 is so realistic that even the characters in the game aren't answering the phone when I call them.
I'm going to switch my insurance from Geico to Allstate, then Statefarm, then back to Geico. If i'm correct, they should owe me $950.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they're happy.
You can tell everything you need to know about a person by their average corn chip to salsa ratio.
It saddens me that today's youth will never have to endure the character-building pain of waiting for dial-up Internet to connect.
I call my fists Thunder & Lightning because there's about a one in a million chance that they'll cause any damage.
North West sneezes. Kanye says "Kanye bless you" Kim slams her fist down "God damn it, Kanye" Kanye says "No, It's 'Kanye Damn it', Babe"
Today is so hot that it's not returning my text messages.
One time I asked "What would Jesus do?" & then a close friend betrayed me & everyone started misinterpreting what I said for their own gains.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
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Facebook Addict Intervention Parody