Hey suns wearing sunglasses: that's not going to help, stupid. Think about it.
They should have warning label pictures on booze like they do cigarettes. A picture of a guy being arrested with his dick out.
My friends profile pictures makes it look like I'm friends with 390 toddlers.
Someday, once humans are extinct, I hope whatever species rules Earth makes chicken nuggets in the shape of us like we did for dinosaurs.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
Him: "I love you."
- girls turning a pleasant situation into an annoying one.
Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain beard
2.) prisoner of war beard
3.) homeless person beard
4.) wizard beard
[spins in chair]
AH MR. BOND, I'VE BEEN [chair spins too far and I have to wait for it to go around again] EXPECTING YOU
Imagine a fish coming into your home wearing a mask and watching you eat breakfast bc that's what snorkeling is
I hate when the other guy goes for a handshake and I go for an open-mouth kiss and oh great now I probably didn't get this job
Every time I swipe my credit card, my mind’s telling me no but my body’s telling me YES
A new day :
the possibilities, endless.
the funds, insufficient.
Hey idiots, you've been in bathrooms with transgender people YOUR WHOLE LIVES!
An all-female Ghostbusters? What's next, an all-male hierarchy perpetuated throughout thousands of years of recorded history?
Driving a PT Cruiser says, "I made a 25 thousand dollar mistake in 2002."
Did you know namaste is an ancient word meaning, "I'm a rich white housewife"?
The only people I respect in life are people at sporting events who don't give a shit they're on the Jumbotron.
It's never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
It's cool how our pinky finger evolved into a cell phone stand.
Total Number of Statuses:27220
Facebook Addict Intervention Parody