Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
I would rather have a life full of scars than one full of fear.
Your honeymoon can't be going that great if you're incessantly instagramming photos of it
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman's home.
Oh yeah!! Well, if smoking weed destroys your short-term memory, then what does smoking weed do?
I have two dance moves:
1) I didn't drink enough
2) I drank way too much
I used to be a man trapped inside a woman's body. And things got even more complicated after I was born.
I don't even care if it's a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they've been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what's really going on
Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I'll let you know
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
Women are not to be figured out or understood.
They are to be loved and accepted.
When a door closes, you fucking open it again because it's a door and that's how they work.
There's no manly way to put on chap stick. I usually just make a mean face and hum Tupac songs.
Me: If you stop talking right now, I'll give you a thousand dollars.
Me: You just couldn't fucking do it, could you?
Dyslexic guy robbing a bank :"Air in the hands , mother stickers"
"This is a fuck up"!!
You should be sober when you decide to get married, but drunk every minute after that.
My wife was shocked when she found out I switched her vibrator with a taser.
When I grow up I want to be a little kid.
You never know how many people you dislike until you have to name your child.
I can't wait for married gay dudes to start referring to their spouse as The Old Balls and Chain
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Facebook Addict Intervention Parody