Posted 2015-04-18T04:50:40+02:00
Cop: any alcohol or drugs? Me: No I've got everything I need thanks

Posted 2015-04-18T04:40:16+02:00
He DM'ed me: Your sexy as hell. Me: No YOU'RE sexy as hell. And now he thinks I like him. Damnit. I was just correcting his bad grammar.

Posted 2015-04-18T04:30:39+02:00
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.

Comment by Anonymous

You're that guy...

Comment by Anonymous

I don't get it

Posted 2015-04-18T04:27:05+02:00
There is no vulnerable feeling like when you are about to sneeze...with a mouthful of rice.

Posted 2015-04-18T04:26:15+02:00
I do all of my ironing in the dryer.

Posted 2015-04-18T04:23:17+02:00
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels

Posted 2015-04-18T04:21:08+02:00
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?

Comment by Anonymous

I'll be the opportunist where I'll grab that fucken glass of water and fucken drink it!

Posted 2015-04-18T03:54:52+02:00
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-04-18T03:44:12+02:00
Some days "solitary confinement" sounds more like paradise than like punishment.

Posted 2015-04-18T03:43:34+02:00
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.

Posted 2015-04-18T00:24:58+02:00
"I'll see you in hell" should be followed with "and I won't even stop to say hi". Otherwise you're just making plans with someone you hate

Posted 2015-04-17T22:48:14+02:00
A woman was removed from a SWA flight after she stabbed her snoring neighbor with a pen. Great, now they're gonna take away our pens.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-04-17T22:40:01+02:00
I like the parts of the day when food happens.

Posted 2015-04-17T22:39:31+02:00
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.

Posted 2015-04-17T22:38:42+02:00
The amount of people who mix up "to" and "too" is amazing two me.

Comment by Anonymous

two times too equals fore.

Posted 2015-04-16T06:37:49+02:00
"You really couldn't have called at a worse time." -How I want to answer every phone call

Comment by Anonymous

V *you *mean *rightness 4th grade spelling is hard.

Comment by Anonymous

v u meen faking, riteness?!%6

Comment by Anonymous

I just enjoy faing likes, dislikes, and rates. vvvvvvvvvvvv

Posted 2015-04-16T06:36:08+02:00
The most exciting part of first dates is when you both act like you didn't thoroughly research each other on the internet

Posted 2015-04-16T06:34:55+02:00
If you want to be in an exciting car chase, just order an Uber, get in, and then on the way to your destination, order another Uber

Get a Life(2)
Posted 2015-04-16T06:31:23+02:00
If a potential employer asks why you lost your last job, take a breath, look them in the eye, and say you got too close to the truth

Get a Life(2)
Posted 2015-04-16T06:28:20+02:00
Do you struggle with rational thinking and basic literacy? Let us know in the comments below


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