Posted 2014-12-19T06:00:11+01:00
My retirement plan is to be married to someone with a really good retirement plan.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-12-19T05:59:42+01:00
If there was an award for the dumbest fucking way to possibly do something, my boss would win all the awards ever.

Comment by Anonymous

You all need to get back to work now - the Boss.

Comment by Anonymous

If my boss could find a way to make money wasting time he'd be a fucking millionaire.

Posted 2014-12-19T05:48:31+01:00
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.

Posted 2014-12-19T05:48:04+01:00
Gatorade should actually make "Haterade."

Posted 2014-12-18T01:51:25+01:00
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer but you can't take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?

Posted 2014-12-18T00:19:07+01:00
"Your can torture and kill your own people, BUT YOU CANNOT DENY US A FRANCO/ROGEN MOVIE!!!!!" - America, according to my news feed.

Comment by Anonymous

And you just proved you can be a complete idiot and get a status posted on Status Stalker

Posted 2014-12-18T00:16:41+01:00
Meanwhile everyone in North Korea is like "what is a movie"

Posted 2014-12-18T00:14:41+01:00
How much whiskey goes into cookies? I'm new to this whole baking thing.

Posted 2014-12-17T08:46:09+01:00
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.

Posted 2014-12-17T03:13:53+01:00
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

Posted 2014-12-17T03:09:11+01:00
BUMPER STICKER IDEA: I had sex with my wife and all I got was this honor student.

Comment by Anonymous

Actually that kid is not yours.

Posted 2014-12-17T03:06:44+01:00
Cop: Are you high right now? Me: Well I was until you showed up, Buzzkill Mc.Flashlight.

Posted 2014-12-17T03:04:04+01:00
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.

Posted 2014-12-15T05:50:17+01:00
That horrible feeling you get when you're not asleep anymore.

Comment by Anonymous

if only that could change.

Comment by Anonymous

Someone doesn't get laid.

Comment by Anonymous

As if that would ever happen.

Comment by Anonymous

Would it really kill you people to write complete sentences and stop all these moronic fragments? SUBJECT VERB OBJECT. It's not that difficult.

Posted 2014-12-15T05:44:35+01:00
The older I get, the more I understand someone's desire to just say-"Fuck it. I'm going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."

Posted 2014-12-15T05:35:27+01:00
Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I'll let you know

Posted 2014-12-15T05:26:58+01:00
I don't like who I am when I see a wasp.

Posted 2014-12-15T05:24:11+01:00
Psychopaths and Eskimos are the only groups of people who can comfortably sleep with socks on.

Posted 2014-12-15T05:22:54+01:00
If cheese made you drunk, I wouldn't be able to walk right now.

Posted 2014-12-15T05:21:23+01:00
If you didn't want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn't have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.


Total Number of Statuses:25767

Status Stalker Login

Want to post a funny status? Well login isn't required but if you register and login you will have access to all the extra features status stalker has to offer.

Forgot Password?

Stalker Map

Facebook Addict Intervention Parody