Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
To avoid public humiliation, remember the "one pair of skinny jeans per couple" rule.
Please don't ruin your friend's life by getting married and living happily ever after.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I'm never gonna get chicks being a "homeless romantic".
Good things come to those who wait, 2-5 business days.
Whenever my phone rings I'm like "omg! Why is this happening to me!"
Don't worry about the grass on the other side. It's not your grass.
When a woman makes eye contact with me across the bar and likes me, I wish a sax would start playing like in the movies to alert me to this.
My mixtape comes with a pair of oven mitts, just so you can handle it.
Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that's all I need to know about that.
There's only one person you're guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with... yourself. Don't live the rest of your life with an asshole.
I go to porn sites and write in the comment section, "Why are you doin this? Your father and I are so sad. Please come home!"
I wouldn't call it a super power but I have the ability to form an opinion and then keep it to myself.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"
I know karate and tons of other words.
If you don't have to work for it, you'll never appreciate it. If you don't appreciate it, you'll never work for it.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
It's ironic that cigarette breaks are OK to take but masturbation breaks at work we'll get you fired. What's worse for your health?
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