Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
I love you like Kanye loves Kanye.
Not to brag, but I'm pretty good in bed. I don't snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherfuckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
Wanna be my girlfrien?
I didn't put in the D.
You'll get that later.
Hey there lady at Wal-Mart, you either need shorter titties or a longer shirt.
Me: This chicken is undercooked.
Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking.
Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.
So if you're blind and on the toilet do you wipe until the dog barks or how does that work?
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don't even like.
You only have one childhood, it may as well last your entire life.
I slept like a rock last night meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.
You'll know how much I loved you when I stop.
Don't burn a bridge with me and then expect me to send a boat.
I'd like to have a word with you... The word is sex.
My mamma told me that the only things open at 3:am are legs & Wal-Mart.
People should look like their personalities
I like most people as long as they're not behind a steering wheel or a keyboard.
It's better to have loved a midget then to never have loved a tall
It's not that I'm judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
I'll drive you crazy, but you're paying for gas
There's only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk. Which is water. That's lying about being milk.
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