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Posted 2014-07-23T02:36:00+02:00
Apple's patent for a smart watch was just revealed, and the big feature is phantom vibrations on your wrist even after you take it off.

-1(0)
Posted 2014-07-23T02:31:25+02:00
Being internet famous is like being rich with Monopoly money... It might not really count but YOU STILL MAD THAT I'M WINNING.

-1(0)
Posted 2014-07-22T17:26:38+02:00
Nothing says "I either made a typo, or I'm a rapper now" like ending your text with a "b."

-1(0)
Posted 2014-07-21T22:31:36+02:00
Just cause someone is giving you less doesn't mean they're not giving you with all they have.

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Is this a "size doesn't matter" joke?

Posted 2014-07-21T22:29:03+02:00
My job description does not include farting on everyone else's office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.

Fail(1)
Comment by Anonymous

*it's , genius

Comment by Anonymous

You sure its not because you're retarded?

Posted 2014-07-21T22:26:27+02:00
It only becomes a mistake if you regret it.

Epic(1)
Comment by Anonymous

v Good one, except my mom isn't dead. Nice readig comprehension btw...

Comment by Anonymous

v You're a mistake even if your dead mom can't regret it anymore.

Comment by Anonymous

I'll never regret tongue punching your mom's fart box.

Posted 2014-07-21T22:25:45+02:00
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Yeah, they're called women.

Posted 2014-07-21T22:25:02+02:00
Shoutout to all the horror movies that led to sex.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

V And then you would have sex with the corpse.

Comment by Anonymous

Snuff films are the best.

Posted 2014-07-21T22:23:26+02:00
I want the equivalent of an e-cigarette for alcohol so I can do it at work. Get on that scientists!

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

Stop being a pussy and do as the guy below says.

Comment by Anonymous

just put it in ur starbucks cup....or water bottle....or pretty much any other non-alcoholic drink receptacle

Posted 2014-07-21T22:22:31+02:00
Gas is cheap considering you're buying liquid exploding dinosaurs.

Get a Life(3)
Comment by Anonymous

Except you're not...

Comment by Anonymous

I remember the first time I laughed at this, I fell off my dinosaur.

Posted 2014-07-21T22:21:58+02:00
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Unless you're Asian...

Posted 2014-07-21T22:20:45+02:00
I like to mess with dudes wearing Tapout shirts by saying "Cute top!"

Funny(1)
Posted 2014-07-21T22:20:03+02:00
My resume is just a handwritten note that says "He is good." with a forged President Obama signature.

Fail(2)
Posted 2014-07-21T22:17:08+02:00
Woodpeckers have very clear life goals.

Funny(3)
Posted 2014-07-21T22:14:23+02:00
Sometimes after a nap, I like to take another nap.

Epic(1)
Posted 2014-07-21T22:12:08+02:00
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.

Funny(1)
Posted 2014-07-21T22:07:11+02:00
Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

double stuffed crust

Comment by Anonymous

True, but it helps to let it cool before you try and fuck it.

Posted 2014-07-21T22:04:57+02:00
If guys were smart, they'd forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.

Funny(3)
Comment by Anonymous

That no matter the bullshit we are not turning gay? Not sure what point u are attempting there...

Comment by Anonymous

It's funny all the ways that women bag on men... "assholes, pigs, douches, stupid, etc..." And you still have sex with them and marry them. What does that say about you?

Posted 2014-07-21T22:00:58+02:00
I think I'm in love with you but first show me your playlists.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

I changed my mind and I just have to tell you now. It's Cher, Elton John, Lady Gaga, Macklemore, Melissa Etheridge, Adam Lambert and anything by George Michael. Also yes, I would swallow his load.

Comment by Anonymous

I'll show you my playlist when you swallow my load.

Posted 2014-07-21T21:59:29+02:00
Your cat thinks of you as a pet.

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Nah. Twice... Don't forget the time his face rubbed against his mothers vagina at birth.

Comment by Anonymous

That's the only wet pussy he gets.

Comment by Anonymous

Wet pussy? Tsk tsk.

Comment by Anonymous

Yeah? Well, let's see what he thinks when I drown him.


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