Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
The fact there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
A group of narcissists is called a timeline.
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
I wish people would stop getting so angry with me about the bumper stickers on my vehicle. Those are my car's political views, not mine.
I don't know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Don't date someone solely based on looks. Make sure they have plenty of money and a nice car too.
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you're dating an onion and not a man.
If I drove a UPS truck there's a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
Just walked in on a intervention. My family wants me to get help with my masturbation addiction.
Told them no, I can beat this myself
Why can't we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
If everyday is a gift then today was socks.
Naps are the blowjobs of sleeping
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.
Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
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Facebook Addict Intervention Parody