Funny Epic Win Get A Life Fail Share
My retirement plan is to be married to someone with a really good retirement plan.
If there was an award for the dumbest fucking way to possibly do something, my boss would win all the awards ever.
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
Gatorade should actually make "Haterade."
You took the time to make your minivan look like a reindeer but you can't take one second to hit the turn signal an inch from your fingers?
"Your can torture and kill your own people, BUT YOU CANNOT DENY US A FRANCO/ROGEN MOVIE!!!!!" - America, according to my news feed.
Meanwhile everyone in North Korea is like "what is a movie"
How much whiskey goes into cookies? I'm new to this whole baking thing.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
BUMPER STICKER IDEA: I had sex with my wife and all I got was this honor student.
Cop: Are you high right now?
Me: Well I was until you showed up, Buzzkill Mc.Flashlight.
This jar of peanut butter says "may contain nuts" on it. Remember when survival of the fittest was a thing? Good times.
That horrible feeling you get when you're not asleep anymore.
The older I get, the more I understand someone's desire to just say-"Fuck it. I'm going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."
Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I'll let you know
I don't like who I am when I see a wasp.
Psychopaths and Eskimos are the only groups of people who can comfortably sleep with socks on.
If cheese made you drunk, I wouldn't be able to walk right now.
If you didn't want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn't have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
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