Posted 2014-11-21T01:53:10+01:00
Don't judge me, Sir. You wouldn't know I was texting and driving if your eyes were on the road. Like they're supposed to be.

Posted 2014-11-21T01:46:51+01:00
What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.

Posted 2014-11-21T01:46:34+01:00
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won't have to talk to them.

Posted 2014-11-20T19:03:30+01:00
Do you ever dislike someone so much that you hate when people are nice to them?

Get a Life(2)
Comment by Anonymous

I hate that people are giving you likes.

Posted 2014-11-20T04:16:49+01:00
That awkward moment when someone else on your friends list uses status stalker and steals all the good status's before you have the chance to.

Comment by Anonymous

I hope this chick below me isn't my facebook friend. -J

Comment by Anonymous

I always have to check this one guy's profile first cuz we have posted the same SS before

Posted 2014-11-20T02:39:01+01:00
What's worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?

Posted 2014-11-19T23:36:46+01:00
Did Willow and Jaden Smith write that Matthew McConaughey Lincoln car commercial?

Posted 2014-11-19T23:36:34+01:00
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH

Posted 2014-11-19T05:48:46+01:00
12 hours into this marathon Netflix stopped asking me if I wanted to continue playing and just quietly asked, "You okay?"

Posted 2014-11-19T05:34:15+01:00
I'm happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.

Posted 2014-11-19T05:30:09+01:00
Every day is just a new opportunity to eat tacos.

Posted 2014-11-19T05:27:32+01:00
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Posted 2014-11-19T05:22:20+01:00
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."

Posted 2014-11-19T05:20:34+01:00
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That's how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.

Posted 2014-11-19T05:19:22+01:00
We're all gonna die. How are you gonna live?

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-11-19T05:14:32+01:00
So a murderer, cocaine addict, and a few annoying guys walk into a bar...and espn hires them and they talk about domestic violence.

Posted 2014-11-19T05:13:52+01:00
I'll fuck a stranger but I won't even use a loved one's toothbrush.

Posted 2014-11-19T05:12:23+01:00
I want to be loved like white guys love khaki shorts

Comment by Anonymous

It says you should learn english better.

Comment by Anonymous

You should want to be loved like a nigger loves crime. Not THAT says something.

Posted by Segeld 2014-11-19T01:21:25+01:00
Best of luck explaining why you're still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn't.

Posted 2014-11-18T16:29:03+01:00
As grandma used to say, "stop being a whiny little bitch and eat the fucking gluten".


Total Number of Statuses:25574

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