Posted 2015-11-29T20:12:54+01:00
I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the fuck alone.

Posted 2015-11-29T19:48:18+01:00
If someone invites you to their immaculate, tidy home and says "sorry about the mess", run. They have killed before and they will kill again

Posted 2015-11-27T23:37:49+01:00
It's cute that kids think they're safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

Posted 2015-11-27T23:28:50+01:00
Opinions are like assholes. Fuck yours.

Get a Life(3)
Comment by Anonymous

Yours too jail bate

Posted 2015-11-27T23:21:57+01:00
In my defense your honor, I did hand Jesus the wheel.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-11-27T23:18:27+01:00
The only reason I joined a gang is so I know what to do with my hands in pictures.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2015-11-27T23:15:58+01:00
YESTERDAY: "I am thankful for everything I have" TODAY: "I will murder you in front of your family for a discounted electronic device."

Posted 2015-11-27T23:13:55+01:00
The things I delete for you.

Get a Life(2)
Posted 2015-11-27T23:11:38+01:00
Are we dating? I thought we were just wasting each other's time till something better came along?

Posted 2015-11-27T23:02:10+01:00
Today is my favorite trampling-based holiday

Posted 2015-11-27T15:57:46+01:00
Black Friday really should be called the Hunger Games.

Posted 2015-11-26T22:50:16+01:00
Whole Foods employees get a standard 20% discount unless they have good cholesterol and a healthy BMI—then they get 30%

Get a Life(2)
Posted 2015-11-26T22:44:11+01:00
Soak up all the gratitude today because tomorrow it's right back to hating everything

Posted 2015-11-23T16:38:19+01:00
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries

Posted 2015-11-23T16:34:00+01:00
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don't care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.

Posted 2015-11-23T16:28:28+01:00
Fact: you will live longer if you don't waste oxygen leaving voicemails.

Posted 2015-11-23T16:23:22+01:00
I know that no means no, but that's about the extent of my Spanish.

Posted 2015-11-23T16:19:50+01:00
Going to burn my cvs receipts and bed bath & beyond coupons to keep warm this winter.

Posted 2015-11-21T23:37:54+01:00
All I'm saying is there's a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.

Posted 2015-11-21T23:35:06+01:00
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn't named Marvin.

Comment by Anonymous

Then when they run out of food they will be starvin like Marvin.

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