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Posted 2016-05-24T15:15:42-06:00
I'd be super embarrassed if people saw my google history but only because its all words I should really know how to spell by now

-1(0)
Posted 2016-05-24T15:04:17-06:00
Rap videos are completely unrealistic. Nobody has that many friends

-1(0)
Posted 2016-05-24T15:01:21-06:00
Grandparents stayed married 50 years cause Grandma couldn't text "What are you doing?" "Where are you?" & "Why are you ignoring me?" all day

-1(0)
Posted 2016-05-24T14:58:16-06:00
Porn is so unrealistic, I just took a shower with my girlfriend & stood in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos

-1(0)
Comment by Anonymous

That's because her other BF's cock is bigger than yours so she has no need of you other than to hand her shampoo.

Posted 2016-05-24T14:52:01-06:00
With all the money trump has he could've been batman. he literally could've been batman and he gave it up to be...whatever he is

-1(0)
Comment by Anonymous

A cowardly douchebag?

Posted 2016-05-24T14:51:25-06:00
I hate when my phone corrects "hood morning" to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.

-1(0)
Posted 2016-05-23T13:51:04-06:00
"It's five o'clock somewhere" I say as I leave work at 9am

-1(0)
Posted 2016-05-19T18:23:06-06:00
The quality of my life has improved greatly, ever since they came out with the middle finger Emoji.

Funny(2)
Posted 2016-05-18T19:31:32-06:00
My dick is so big it wears its t-shirt in the pool.

Funny(1)
Posted 2016-05-18T19:21:27-06:00
I've been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2016-05-18T19:05:10-06:00
FRIENDSHIP LEVELS: 1) hang out sometimes 2) unannounced calls OK 3) pick em up from the airport 4) help them move 5) go to their improv show

Funny(1)
Posted 2016-05-18T14:08:50-06:00
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Get a Life(1)
Comment by Anonymous

Wow, someone just go their ass handed to them!

Comment by Anonymous

V Better to be unfunny than a gutless little coward. Get your filthy whore mother off the streets and tell her to wash that rancid pussy of hers. LOL, dismissed!

Comment by Anonymous

He look, a retarded nigger trying to be funny. Go hang yourself.

Comment by Anonymous

V Wow, that actually made the original joke seem funny by comparison.

Comment by Anonymous

You really can't get any time back no matter how well or bad it was spent. Even now you have just wasted 30 more seconds of your oh so valuable life reading this comment. What? You say you don't believe me? Read it again and then you will see I'm right.

Comment by Anonymous

That's 30 seconds of my life....that I will never get back.

Comment by Anonymous

Very old story

Comment by Anonymous

That's a long way to go to not be funny.

Posted 2016-05-16T18:24:08-06:00
I try to act nonchalant but underneath I am chalant as fuck.

Funny(1)
Posted 2016-05-16T18:18:30-06:00
Being complex means you're interesting. Being complicated means you're an asshole.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2016-05-16T18:17:42-06:00
Sorry I'm late to work but, my alarm didn't ring. I didn't set it, because I didn't want to come.

Fail(1)
Comment by Anonymous

You probably suck as much at your job as you do at life so I bet you weren't even missed.

Posted 2016-05-16T18:16:10-06:00
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2016-05-16T18:10:39-06:00
Hey suns wearing sunglasses: that's not going to help, stupid. Think about it.

Funny(1)
Posted 2016-05-13T16:41:47-06:00
They should have warning label pictures on booze like they do cigarettes. A picture of a guy being arrested with his dick out.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2016-05-13T16:40:56-06:00
My friends profile pictures makes it look like I'm friends with 390 toddlers.

Funny(1)
Comment by Anonymous

So now i deleted the majority of 'em and have 90 now

Posted 2016-05-13T16:38:40-06:00
Someday, once humans are extinct, I hope whatever species rules Earth makes chicken nuggets in the shape of us like we did for dinosaurs.

Funny(2)
Comment by Anonymous

Unless it's the chickens.. Because that'd be just creepy


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