Posted 2014-04-23T04:38:50+02:00
I love you like Kanye loves Kanye.

Posted 2014-04-23T04:30:07+02:00
Not to brag, but I'm pretty good in bed. I don't snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.

Posted 2014-04-23T04:29:24+02:00
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherfuckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.

Comment by Anonymous

Don't you just hate it when people mess up a joke by being too analytical...........

Comment by Anonymous

I'm assuming Stevie Wonder wouldn't swing at all, considering he wouldn't even know anyone was throwing something at him

Posted 2014-04-23T04:24:40+02:00
Wanna be my girlfrien? I didn't put in the D. You'll get that later.

Posted 2014-04-23T04:24:12+02:00
Hey there lady at Wal-Mart, you either need shorter titties or a longer shirt.

Posted 2014-04-23T04:23:39+02:00
Me: This chicken is undercooked. Wife: You don't appreciate my cooking. Me: I think the vet could save it if it we took it right now.

Posted 2014-04-23T04:22:16+02:00
So if you're blind and on the toilet do you wipe until the dog barks or how does that work?

Comment by Anonymous

Jim Jeffries said it better.

Posted 2014-04-23T04:20:45+02:00
Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don't even like.

Posted 2014-04-23T04:20:06+02:00
You only have one childhood, it may as well last your entire life.

Posted 2014-04-23T04:10:49+02:00
I slept like a rock last night meaning I woke up in the flower bed with the house key under my belly.

Posted 2014-04-23T04:10:39+02:00
You'll know how much I loved you when I stop.

Posted 2014-04-23T04:08:29+02:00
Don't burn a bridge with me and then expect me to send a boat.

Posted 2014-04-23T04:07:12+02:00
I'd like to have a word with you... The word is sex.

Comment by Anonymous

and the answer is yes lol

Posted 2014-04-23T04:05:38+02:00
My mamma told me that the only things open at 3:am are legs & Wal-Mart.

Comment by Anonymous

I beg to differ. Jails are also servicing customers at that time.

Comment by Anonymous

what she didn't tell you was it's her legs that are open!!!

Posted 2014-04-23T04:03:26+02:00
People should look like their personalities

Posted 2014-04-23T03:57:05+02:00
I like most people as long as they're not behind a steering wheel or a keyboard.

Posted 2014-04-23T03:56:28+02:00
It's better to have loved a midget then to never have loved a tall

Get a Life(3)
Posted 2014-04-23T03:54:57+02:00
It's not that I'm judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.

Posted 2014-04-23T03:54:41+02:00
I'll drive you crazy, but you're paying for gas

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-04-23T03:52:45+02:00
There's only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk. Which is water. That's lying about being milk.


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