Posted 2014-09-02T01:25:15+02:00
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.

Posted 2014-09-02T01:24:38+02:00
The fact there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Posted 2014-09-02T01:10:30+02:00
Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?

Posted 2014-09-02T00:50:41+02:00
A group of narcissists is called a timeline.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-09-01T23:12:46+02:00
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.

Posted 2014-09-01T23:08:04+02:00
I wish people would stop getting so angry with me about the bumper stickers on my vehicle. Those are my car's political views, not mine.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-09-01T22:45:48+02:00
I don't know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-09-01T22:33:28+02:00
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

Posted 2014-09-01T22:04:41+02:00
Don't date someone solely based on looks. Make sure they have plenty of money and a nice car too.

Posted 2014-09-01T07:13:56+02:00
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.

Posted 2014-09-01T07:08:33+02:00
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you're dating an onion and not a man.

Posted 2014-09-01T06:59:49+02:00
If I drove a UPS truck there's a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners

Posted 2014-09-01T06:56:43+02:00
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.

Get a Life(2)
Posted 2014-09-01T06:56:06+02:00
Just walked in on a intervention. My family wants me to get help with my masturbation addiction. Told them no, I can beat this myself

Posted 2014-09-01T05:40:12+02:00
Why can't we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?

Posted 2014-09-01T05:29:23+02:00
If everyday is a gift then today was socks.

Get a Life(1)
Posted 2014-09-01T05:27:22+02:00
More you. Less clothes.

Get a Life(2)
Posted 2014-09-01T05:18:23+02:00
Naps are the blowjobs of sleeping

Posted 2014-09-01T05:13:33+02:00
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.

Posted 2014-09-01T04:58:33+02:00
Sometimes when I'm feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.


Total Number of Statuses:24947

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