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I try and inspire at least one person everyday to leave me the fuck alone.
If someone invites you to their immaculate, tidy home and says "sorry about the mess", run. They have killed before and they will kill again
It's cute that kids think they're safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Opinions are like assholes. Fuck yours.
In my defense your honor, I did hand Jesus the wheel.
The only reason I joined a gang is so I know what to do with my hands in pictures.
"I am thankful for everything I have"
"I will murder you in front of your family for a discounted electronic device."
The things I delete for you.
Are we dating? I thought we were just wasting each other's time till something better came along?
Today is my favorite trampling-based holiday
Black Friday really should be called the Hunger Games.
Whole Foods employees get a standard 20% discount unless they have good cholesterol and a healthy BMI—then they get 30%
Soak up all the gratitude today because tomorrow it's right back to hating everything
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
I suffer from paranoid-schizophrenic indifference. I really don't care what the voices in my head are saying behind my back.
Fact: you will live longer if you don't waste oxygen leaving voicemails.
I know that no means no, but that's about the extent of my Spanish.
Going to burn my cvs receipts and bed bath & beyond coupons to keep warm this winter.
All I'm saying is there's a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn't named Marvin.
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