Status Stalker - Funny Facebook Status Updates

Posted 11 months 6 days 21 hours 42 minutes 20 seconds ago

My mind is sponsored by Coffee.

Fail(2)

8 13

Posted 11 months 6 days 21 hours 37 minutes 34 seconds ago

Your typos bring great dishonor to your family

Epic(2)

8 12

Posted 11 months 6 days 21 hours 36 minutes 28 seconds ago

I stay woke motherfuckers ‘cause I have terrible insomnia.

Epic(2)

8 16

Posted 11 months 6 days 21 hours 29 minutes 50 seconds ago

When Edgar Allen Poe said “Nevermore”, I felt that.

Epic(2)

8 19

Posted 11 months 6 days 21 hours 40 minutes 38 seconds ago

I had another cup of coffee but it still feels like Monday.

Funny(2)

7 16

Posted 11 months 6 days 21 hours 32 minutes 37 seconds ago

If she doesn't get this reference, she's too young for you bro.

Epic(1)

7 20

Posted 11 months 6 days 21 hours 30 minutes 21 seconds ago

A diamond heist, but to steal puppies from pet stores.

Epic(2)

7 16

Posted 11 months 6 days 21 hours 38 minutes 4 seconds ago

I wanted to make a joke about eating ass, but it was very tongue-in-cheek...

Fail(2)

6 13

Posted 11 months 6 days 21 hours 30 minutes 9 seconds ago

From 1 to Ray Liotta, how creepy are you

Epic(2)

4 20

Posted 11 months 6 days 21 hours 28 minutes 5 seconds ago

Has anyone tried unplugging the country and plugging it back in

Funny(2)

21 15

Posted 11 months 6 days 21 hours 14 minutes 49 seconds ago

This town's getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse.

Fail(3)

17 29

Posted 11 months 6 days 21 hours 36 minutes 36 seconds ago

When I say I’m not being sarcastic the sarcasm is implied.

Funny(3)

16 7

Posted 11 months 6 days 21 hours 34 minutes 42 seconds ago

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever got all green lights on your way home

Epic(2)

16 8

Posted 11 months 6 days 21 hours 15 minutes 12 seconds ago

When they take my driver's license photo I try to look as drunk as possible.

Epic(2)

14 16

Posted 11 months 6 days 21 hours 26 minutes 51 seconds ago

[Second Day As A Kamikaze Pilot] Boss: Can I see you in my office for a second

Epic(2)

11 17

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