Status Stalker - Funny Facebook Status Updates

Posted 6 months 7 days 3 hours 17 minutes 1 second ago

My mind is sponsored by Coffee.

Fail(2)

7 9

Posted 6 months 7 days 3 hours 15 minutes 19 seconds ago

I had another cup of coffee but it still feels like Monday.

Epic(1)

6 10

Posted 6 months 7 days 3 hours 12 minutes 45 seconds ago

I wanted to make a joke about eating ass, but it was very tongue-in-cheek...

Fail(2)

6 11

Posted 6 months 7 days 3 hours 11 minutes 9 seconds ago

I stay woke motherfuckers ‘cause I have terrible insomnia.

Epic(2)

6 13

Posted 6 months 7 days 3 hours 4 minutes 31 seconds ago

When Edgar Allen Poe said “Nevermore”, I felt that.

Epic(2)

6 15

Posted 6 months 7 days 3 hours 1 minute 32 seconds ago

[Second Day As A Kamikaze Pilot] Boss: Can I see you in my office for a second

Epic(2)

6 13

Posted 6 months 7 days 3 hours 12 minutes 15 seconds ago

Your typos bring great dishonor to your family

Epic(2)

5 11

Posted 6 months 7 days 3 hours 7 minutes 18 seconds ago

If she doesn't get this reference, she's too young for you bro.

Epic(1)

5 17

Posted 6 months 7 days 3 hours 5 minutes 2 seconds ago

A diamond heist, but to steal puppies from pet stores.

Epic(2)

5 14

Posted 6 months 7 days 3 hours 4 minutes 50 seconds ago

From 1 to Ray Liotta, how creepy are you

Epic(2)

4 17

Posted 6 months 7 days 3 hours 11 minutes 17 seconds ago

When I say I’m not being sarcastic the sarcasm is implied.

Funny(2)

15 5

Posted 6 months 7 days 3 hours 2 minutes 46 seconds ago

Has anyone tried unplugging the country and plugging it back in

Funny(2)

14 12

Posted 6 months 7 days 2 hours 49 minutes 30 seconds ago

This town's getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse.

Fail(3)

11 25

Posted 6 months 7 days 3 hours 9 minutes 23 seconds ago

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever got all green lights on your way home

Epic(2)

10 8

Posted 6 months 7 days 2 hours 49 minutes 53 seconds ago

When they take my driver's license photo I try to look as drunk as possible.

Epic(2)

10 14

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