Status Stalker - Funny Facebook Status Updates

Posted 8 months 5 days 16 hours 48 minutes 52 seconds ago

My mind is sponsored by Coffee.

Fail(2)

7 9

Posted 8 months 5 days 16 hours 47 minutes 10 seconds ago

I had another cup of coffee but it still feels like Monday.

Epic(1)

7 11

Posted 8 months 5 days 16 hours 44 minutes 6 seconds ago

Your typos bring great dishonor to your family

Epic(2)

7 11

Posted 8 months 5 days 16 hours 33 minutes 23 seconds ago

[Second Day As A Kamikaze Pilot] Boss: Can I see you in my office for a second

Epic(2)

7 14

Posted 8 months 5 days 16 hours 44 minutes 36 seconds ago

I wanted to make a joke about eating ass, but it was very tongue-in-cheek...

Fail(2)

6 11

Posted 8 months 5 days 16 hours 43 minutes ago

I stay woke motherfuckers ‘cause I have terrible insomnia.

Epic(2)

6 14

Posted 8 months 5 days 16 hours 39 minutes 9 seconds ago

If she doesn't get this reference, she's too young for you bro.

Epic(1)

6 17

Posted 8 months 5 days 16 hours 36 minutes 22 seconds ago

When Edgar Allen Poe said “Nevermore”, I felt that.

Epic(2)

6 16

Posted 8 months 5 days 16 hours 36 minutes 53 seconds ago

A diamond heist, but to steal puppies from pet stores.

Epic(2)

5 14

Posted 8 months 5 days 16 hours 36 minutes 41 seconds ago

From 1 to Ray Liotta, how creepy are you

Epic(2)

4 17

Posted 8 months 5 days 16 hours 34 minutes 37 seconds ago

Has anyone tried unplugging the country and plugging it back in

Funny(2)

17 12

Posted 8 months 5 days 16 hours 43 minutes 8 seconds ago

When I say I’m not being sarcastic the sarcasm is implied.

Funny(2)

15 5

Posted 8 months 5 days 16 hours 41 minutes 14 seconds ago

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever got all green lights on your way home

Epic(2)

12 8

Posted 8 months 5 days 16 hours 21 minutes 44 seconds ago

When they take my driver's license photo I try to look as drunk as possible.

Epic(2)

11 14

Posted 8 months 5 days 16 hours 21 minutes 21 seconds ago

This town's getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse.

Fail(3)

11 26

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